It has been a while...well lets just say that I have taken the summer off. I really should not have, but when you have temptations all around you all the time it is really hard to say no to things. I wish that I had gotten down to my goal, but every time that I set out to "do good" I would just fall flat on my face. I have NO will power. How do you find it? I want to have great will power and be able to eat the right foods and exercise like a mad woman, but I just can't. ALL of my trainers would say that word "can't" is NOT in my vocabulary. I know that I can, but why won't I? That is the golden question that I have been asking myself all morning long! I know that I have all the resources and all of the tools that I need to succeed, so why won't I take the steps to make those changes? I WANT to be skinny, I WANT to be healthy, but I LOVE food, I LOVE the way it tastes, I love the way it makes me feel when I am eating it, not necessarily how I feel AFTER the fact. You would think that simply that last statement would be the one that would help me change how my ways are. The simple fact that I have guilt and I feel bad after I eat something that I love, but that is not good for me would make YOU want to change. Right? Something in my brain tells me that I am not worth it, that this FOOD that I am about to enjoy is worth it! Is that Satan telling me this? Is this how an alcoholic feels all the time? That, just one more drink will be ok. That you can stop after this one? I totally feel like that! I just want to stop but something in me is telling me that it is okay, you can have this, you deserve it, you have had a horrible day and you can have it...
Well I am telling you that I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to be the wife my husband married. I want to be able to ride my surf board and know that my weight has nothing to do with the control of it. I want to look at pictures of myself and not see ALL the things that I need to change...
This is HOW I am going to do this. I feel as though I have to start from scratch.
First I am going to cut sugar, that means NO sugar, no pasta, no bread. I will cut brown rice out in a little bit, but that is one of the more healthy grains...
Second, I will record EVERYTHING that I eat, weather or not I have "cheated". I NEED to see how many calories I am taking in on a daily basis.
Third, I will start adding in my exercise EVERY day, instead of the two days that I have been doing.
I feel as if I need to get the eating under control first before I can do any of it. I need to get back to praying every time that I have a craving. I need to ask God if he can take away the WANT of food. I need to be filled with good things and not things that are going to bring me down and that will weigh me down.
Another thing that I need to work hard for is the vacation that the Hubster and I want to take in January. I really want to work had so I can enjoy my time there and not be self conscious the entire time I am there.
So here is to a fresh start today September 4th 2012!
I know this doesn't help at all, but I have always thought you are beautiful. I really look up to you.. for all the things you are. You're an amazing mom, an incredible hair stylist and a great wife to Jory. You're the best big sister any girl could ever dream of having. You love God and you love your family something fierce.
ReplyDeleteI know you can do this. I know you can be what you want to be on the outside. I have heard that it can take 2 weeks (or less) to put on the weight, but it takes WAY longer to get it off. I put on at least 5 lbs since last week, just with going on the mini-vacation roadtrip to see Brittany. All the eating out and not drinking water like I should and caving and drinking soda. So, I've got my work cut out for me, too. Let's do it together!
I love you, sis. Let's get together SOON!